NanoThoughts 1.0

I recently got this email from a friend of mine and it cracked me up. I asked if I could blog it and he said sure. I've redacted certain parts to protect the innocent and/or guilty parties. I also have it on good authority that this episode of throwing yoge was one of the deleted subplots in Top Gun. (I've included a glossary at the end for the acronyms.)

Here it is:


I made quite a name for myself this week, and for exactly what you may think. Two days ago I found myself alone in my 4-man in the middle of the day on a break from the SDO desk. I knew two of my roommates were flying and one was working out, so obviously I threw in a copy of "Finally Legal 3" and starting treating my body like an amusement park. Not wanting to get myself into an awkward situation, I threw up our Do Not Disturb sign on the door.

Now despite the fact that our room had not formally established masturbatory Rules of Engagement, I figured that the sign was self-explanatory. Not so much. A few moments before a glorious completion, the door flew open and one of my roommates cluelessly stumbled in. Sorry, I don't want to ruin this for you, but I wasn't suspended naked upside-down from the ceiling or anything. I was actually just sitting in my flight suit in the middle of the room. In one fluid motion, I crossed my leg, stored the unit, and froze. I probably could have played it off, but was given away by the moans of "fuck me!" blasting from the TV and the look of terror on my mug. My roommate's expression of confusion quickly became a knowing one. Now at this point I admitted my guilt, figuring it would him the hell out of the room as fast as possible. He was intent on getting a post-workout shower, though, so I had to sit awkwardly as he fumbled around, changed into his robe, and attempted some mood-lightening jokes. As he departed, I told him to make it a nice Hollywood shower, because I wasn't about to finish my duty day with blue balls. I managed to get my train back on track shortly after his departure and completed my mission. Funny enough, though, he was only a few seconds away from catching me a second time when he returned. But I didn't care -- I was a happy sailor.

Now I was certainly not expecting to get away with this without incident. I figured I'd get some shit from my roommates and some other JO's in the squadron. And I didn't really care -- I feel no shame about such matters. But I had no idea how far it would go.

Today rumors really started circulating about my getting caught. I probably should have just tried to deny it or at least play it off, especially when the department heads started asking me about it. Instead, I bragged. I told them of some of the places I have owned: most airliners I have been on, the backseat of a T-39, and my cell at SERE school. Some were disgusted, some were in awe. Some just thought I was an idiot for getting caught. Either way, momentum was building for a formal squadron statement commemorating my behavior. It just so happened that we had an all-officers meeting scheduled for this evening, and I wasn't at all surprised when I got called up front at the end. My XO called attention to awards and my squadron snapped up as I walked down the aisle. I did a sharpabout-face and listened to my first Navy award statement:

TRIPLE-M AWARD: MERITORIOUS MASTURBATION MEDAL

FOR COMMENDABLE PERFORMANCE WHILE JERKING OFF IN PLAIN SIGHT ABOARD FIGHTER SQUADRON XYZ EMBARKED ABC FROM XX XX XXXX FROM 1205 IN THE AFTERNOON TO 1207. XXXX J. DOE TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS IN A HIGHLY EXEMPLARY MANNER. AS THE MASTURBATION SUBJECT MATTER EXPERT, JDOE TOOK CHARGE OF THE SITUATION AND DISPLAYED EXCEPTIONAL PERSEVERANCE DESPITE THE AWKWARD INTERFERENCE AND TOTAL DISREGARD FOR THE DO NOT DISTURB SIGN. HIS CAVALIER ATTITUDE RAN RAMPANT AS HE CONTINUED HIS LEG-UP-ON-THE-DESK THROWING STYLE. AFTER DULY DISMISSING HIS TRAUMATIZED ROOMMATE HE CONTINUED HIS SELF DEBAUCHERY BY BEATING ON IT LIKE IT BROKE INTO HIS HOUSE. XXX J. DOE'S EXCEPTIONAL FOCUS AND DEDICATION TO THE MISSION IN HAND RESULTED IN SPEWING GREAT CREDIT ALL OVER HIMSELF AND ARE IN KEEPING WITH THE HIGHEST TRADITIONS OF LONELY SAILORS EVERYWHERE.

I.M.A. SPANKER
REAR ADMIRAL, USN - LOWER HALF

Needless to say, uproar ensued and I felt much pride. My roommate then walked up to the front of the ready room and placed upon me my new necklace: a small bottle of lotion on a loop of rope. So that I would never have to go without.

As if all that weren't enough, it turned out that when my fellow JOs were printing out my award speech for the XO, they had to send it to the Maintenance Control printer due to a lack of toner back in Ops. By the time they retrieved the incriminating document, half the chiefs in my squadron were refusing to shake my hand. Nothing like keeping things professional. Just to make sure that absolutely EVERYONE knew about it, though, the scheds officers kept the party going. That night when they drafted the next day's schedule, they titled it The "J. DOE Makes Love to Himself, Not War" Edition. They did so to amuse themselves, mostly; they knew it would have to be removed before the skipper actually signed the official version. We got a laugh out of it before they passed it up the chain, though.

Later that night, after about 30 copies of the final schedule had been distributed throughout the ship, all hell broke loose. The XO called from his stateroom and demanded to know if his newly delivered schedule was real. It turned out that the Ops O and the skipper had missed the Edition joke, and approved it for wide release. That meant the captain, the air wing commander, and a bunch of other people on the ship were already reading about my schlong stroking. Within minutes the schedule writers were dispatched to retrieve all copies, burn them, then kill anyone who had seen them. Nonetheless, the damage was done. My entire squadron and a good chunk of the aviators in my air wing now know I am dirty, even if they don't know all the award-winning details. I am sure it will take me a while to live it down. But at least my roommates will respect the fucking Do Not Disturb sign from now on.

JO junior officer
Ops O Operations Officer
SDO Squadron Duty Officer
SERE Survive, Evade, Resist, Escape
TSTA training ships training availability
XO Executive Officer